Top 10 "Why the Frack did they print that?" Creatures

Every now and then, Wizards will make a card, and you can't help but say- What were they thinking!? Here is my Top 10 list of “Why the Frack did they print that?” creatures from Magic's history. 

10. Invisible Stalker

Claude Rains here (Google it) is certainly not the heaviest-hitter on this list. He never had much of an impact on Standard, or the non-rotating formats, but he was a powerhouse in Limited. Suit this little fellow up with any Equipment (most notably Butcher's Cleaver) and he'd often run away with games. 

Fortunately they discovered just how bad of an idea it was to put “Can't be blocked” together with Hexproof on a single creature before they made anything really powerful. This is the very definition of a dodged-bullet. 






9. Akroma, Angel of Wrath

Meet the kitchen sink of creatures. They slapped almost every evergreen keyword of the time on one amazing piece of art featuring that sweet, sweet purple hair, and called it a day. Strangely, Mark Rosewater has said that he wasn't very happy with Akroma, because while she was powerful, and memorable, she didn't really convey any story elements. While her mana cost has kept her out of any real competitive play, and she's outclassed now by some of the other entries on this list, she's still a fantastic Legendary Angel, and can still more than hold her own, if you ever get the chance to cast her. 






8. Leovold, Emissary of Trest 

While he'll never have a chance to shine in Standard or Modern - and thank the gods of Theros for that - his printing in an ancillary set gave him immediate entry into Legacy and Vintage, where he's done more than his bit for king and country. The fact that he immediately replaces himself no matter how you try to remove him, and that in Legacy you can tap out on turn 3, and still have Force of Will available to protect him is vulgar, to say the least. The Sultai player won't have a much better time, though, than watching their opponent cast a Brainstorm into a Leovold, forgetting that they're not allowed to draw additional cards during their turn. 

7. Iona, Shield of Emeria 

If the Fun Police have a commandant, it's Iona. I have often played both with and against this lovely party crasher. In fact, in my very first Grand Prix, I was playing mono-Red burn. My first round was against Reanimator, who - in our first game of the match - went Turn 1 Entomb dump Iona into the Graveyard, Turn 2 Exhume Iona onto the Battlefield naming Red. GGs? She still sees play in Legacy and Commander to this day. Definitely one of the most memorable Angels in the entire game. 






6. Death-Rite Shaman

To the untrained eye, poor little Death-Rite might not seem like much. It's a fragile 1/2 with no real protection. But in any format with Fetch Lands, this guy definitely punches above his weight. Having 3 mana available on turn 2, in formats where most spells have a CMC of 1-3, you'll be wreaking all sorts of havoc. His late-game ability of life drain (which doesn't target) will close out games when board stalls are achieved. His ability to interact with the Graveyard will disrupt strategies like Dredge and Reanimator, and his incidental life-gain will slow Burn decks down just enough to give you the advantage. It's really no wonder that he's banned in almost every format. 






5. True-Name Nemesis

Let's not mince words, this card was a mistake. Even the folks at Wizards admit that. Luckily, it was only printed in a Commander product, so like the Emissary it will never have the opportunity to blight Standard and Modern with its presence. And why the hell is it a Merfolk?! For the love of all the Blind Eternitys, stop giving Merfolk busted creatures, Wizards! 






OK, now it's time for the Top 4. The biggest, the baddest, the bestest that Magic has to offer. These are the real heavyweights of the Multiverse. Creatures which will often end games just because they hit the battlefield. 

















4. Elesh Norn, Grand Cenobite 

What can we say about the grande dame of New Phyrexia? All of the Praetors were fantastic, and game changing, but Elesh Norn stands head and shoulders above all the rest. She will often wipe your opponent's board when she lands, and then allow you to attack for lethal. She's bold, and beautiful, the only card ever to be printed in Phyrexian Blood Script and a critical part of the most hilarious ever clip from a MTGO stream.

3. Progenitus

Yes it has protection from everything. Does that mean Enchantments? Are Enchantments things? Does that mean Instants? Are Instants things? Does that mean my Creatures? Are Creatures things? 

Yes, "Everything" means "Every Thing". 






2. Griselbrand

What do you do if you’re Wizards and you print a broken card like Necropotence? A card so utterly busted, that it had an entire, degenerate, constructed environment named after it (Necro-Summer)? Why, reprint it in a better form attached to a 7/7 lifeliker, of course. 

What can you say about the Griselgrim? He’s big, he’s bad, he’s one of the demons with whom Liliana made a deal. And he’s dead. This guy pushed Jin-Gitaxias, Core Augur out of Reanimator as soon as he saw print, and is still an essential part of several, highly-competitive decks. 




AND IN THE NUMBER ONE SPOT............

1. Emrakul, the Aeons Torn 

For certain, there is no creature other than Emrakul who could top this list. All of the OG Eldrazi were badass, and Newlamog certainly sees his share of play, and Emrakul, the Promised End was banned in Standard. But when it comes to a true WHAT THE FK, crap-my-pants, pick-up-and-read-it as it hits the stack, oh-shit-I’ve-lost moment, Emrakul is hands-down, without peer, queen of the heap. 

It’s not bad enough that she can’t be countered, but take an extra turn - ON CAST, protection from colored spells, flying, and if all that’s not enough, Annihilator 6. Holy cheezballs, Batman! And for a little icing on the cake, her “drawback” of shuffling in when she hits the bin, has actually become "a feature, not a bug" with the printing of Nahiri, the Harbinger. 

And most devastating of all, this fine looking lady could be cast in Limited formats. How fking sick is that? 

I hope you've enjoyed this little romp through Magic's history of printing stupidly broken cards.

I’m Tweeting now @23rdPlayable. I’m also occasionally streaming on Twitch as 23rdPlayable. And, as always, you can find me on Facebook in the MTG Arena Players group, where I’m a mod.

Have fun, Play on, and Be kind to one another.

RNA Set Review

Here we are! It’s pre-release time again. So here’s my thoughts on RNA, which are primarily aimed at Limited play, and mainly focused on Commons and Uncommons, because those are the cards we’ll be seeing most.

Let’s start with a quick review of the new mechanics:

https://magic.wizards.com/en/articles/archive/feature/ravnica-allegiance-mechanics-2018-12-17

Rakdos - Spectacle. You may cast this spell for its spectacle cost rather than its mana cost if an opponent lost life this turn.

Azorius - Addendum. If you cast a spell during your main phase,... it has an additional or alternative effect.

Gruul - Riot. This creature enters the battlefield with your choice of a +1/+1 counter or haste.

Orzhov. Afterlife. When this creature dies, create N 1/1 white and black Spirit creature token(s) with flying.

Simic. Adapt. Pay the Adapt cost, then if this creature has no +1/+1 counters on it, put N +1/+1 counters on it.

Orzhov, and Gruul are the most straight forward. They require little to no set up, although I think Gruul will have the more interesting in-game choices. Simic should have some strong decision lines, especially since you’re not restricted to Sorcery speed activation, however we can anticipate that the “correct” play will very frequently be holding open counter mana, only to dump it into an Adapt activation. Stronk, but not all that interesting. Rakdos and Azorius are the most wide open, being very card-dependent. Where abilities like Riot and Afterlife are just obviously good, Spectacle and Addendum cards will have to be judged independently.

Now let's see how the abilities overlap.

Orzhov-Azorius:  

Azorius is a control color, and Orzhov has a suite of really sweet removal spells. Addendum isn’t a mechanic that’s going to really “synergize” with anything, because what it does depends entirely on each, individual card. However, Afterlife also plays well into the control type strategy, because it allows you to trade your creatures off in combat, and leaves creatures behind for more blocking, or later attacking. While I wouldn’t call these two guilds synergistic, I think they harmonize very well.

Gruul-Simic: 

Riot plays very well with the Simic guild, because not only are they putting +1/+1 counters on their own creatures, they have ways of manipulating them, to move them to other creatures. Also, Simic definitely has an aggressive/tempo side to it. This is probably the most synergistic guild pairing in the set.

Simic-Azorius: 

These two guilds should play well together when Simic is trying to be more controlling, but there really isn’t any overlap mechanically. Azorius’s Blue aspects will work well when Simic is going Tempo with bounce and frost type effects. Simic’s big fliers will help Azorius close out games. Much like the Azorius/Orzhov pairing, this is more about harmony than synergy.

Rakdos and ….. 

Poor Rakdos. Spectacle doesn’t really harmonize or synergize with much of anything. Orzhov’s Afterlife is a more controlling type mechanic, where Rakdos wants to be more aggressive. Gruul is more aggressive, but the +1/+1 counters don’t really do anything in regards to Spectacle. The haste from Riot is nice for getting damage in, but you’re unlikely to be casting a hasty Riot creature, and keeping the Mana up for a Spectacle card in the same turn. There is less overlap here than with any of the other guilds.

GUILDMAGES

Now let’s take a look at all 5 of the Guildmages.

Clan Guildmage {R}{G}
{1}{R}, {T}: Target creature can’t block this turn.
{2}{G}, {T}: Target land you control becomes a 4/4 Elemental creature with haste until end of turn. It’s still a land.

This little lady looks fantastic on all levels. Both of her abilities are reasonably costed, and very impactful. The quintessential “Bear with upside”. B+

Combine Guildmage {G}{U}
{1}{G}, {T}: This turn, each creature you control enters the battlefield with an additional +1/+1 counter on it.
{1}{U}, {T}: Move a +1/+1 counter from target creature you control onto another target creature you control.

While the first ability doesn’t play exceptionally well with the Adapt mechanic, the second one definitely does, allowing you to potentially Adapt onto the same creature multiple times, and giving you a “threat of activation” during combat. Additionally, adding 1G to a non-evolve creature’s casting cost to give it a +1/+1 counter is definitely good value. C

Cult Guildmage {B}{R}
{3}{B}, {T}: Target player discards a card. Activate this ability only any time you could cast a sorcery.
{R}, {T}: Cult Guildmage deals 1 damage to target opponent or planeswalker.

The first ability is only moderately useful, but will help you play around counterspells occasionally. The second ability is just fantastic. At the super-discount rate of only R, being able to enable your Spectacle costs at will should be super powerful in the Rakdos decks. Not to mention that having a little reach to win through a board-stall will definitely win you some games. B-

Senate Guildmage {W}{U}
{W}, {T}: You gain 2 life.
{U}, {T}: Draw a card, then discard a card.

Chairman Wow! This card is just fantastic. Each ability is super, super discounted. If you haven’t played long, you may not yet appreciate the value of Looting (draw then discard, named for the old Merfolk Looter). Probably the best Guildmage from all 10 clans in this go-round. Solid A

Syndicate Guildmage {W}{B}
{1}{W}, {T}: Tap target creature with power 4 or greater.
{4}{B}, {T}: Syndicate Guildmage deals 2 damage to target opponent or planeswalker.

Another solid player. The first ability will be relevant for staying alive, and the second absolutely is a great mana-sink for closing out games. B+

Time to double down on the double doubles. 

Basilica Bell-Haunt {W}{W}{B}{B}
Creature — Spirit
When Basilica Bell-Haunt enters the battlefield, each opponent discards a card and you gain 3 life.
3/4

Meh. I mean, it’s OK, but nothing I’m excited to take. If it had flying, I’d be far more interested. As it is, it’s a mediocre blocker with a very constricting mana cost. I’m unlikely to even want this in my deck. C

Frilled Mystic {G}{G}{U}{U}
Creature — Elf Lizard Wizard
Flash
When Frilled Mystic enters the battlefield, you may counter target spell.

3/2

A strict upgrade of Mystic Snake, this looks to be a solid card in Limited. A 3/2 body with Flash is a good card, regardless, and being able to hold up a counter spell, that also serves as a reasonable creature is pure value. When playing against Simic, it’s a good idea to move to attacks before casting any spells, to pinch their ability to get value from the Mystic. B+

Rakdos Firewheeler {B}{B}{R}{R}
Creature — Human Rogue
When Rakdos Firewheeler enters the battlefield, it deals 2 damage to target opponent and 2 damage to up to one target creature or planeswalker.

4/3

While this fellow is a Spectacle enabler 4 CMC is a lot to pay for that alone. You’ve got a decent chance of killing off one of their creatures when he hits, and the 4/3 body is relevant. Still, nothing all that spectacular. C

Sphinx of New Prahv {W}{W}{U}{U}
Creature — Sphinx
Flying, vigilance
Spells your opponents cast that target Sphinx of New Prahv cost {2} more to cast.

4/3

Now we’re talking! A discounted Serra Angel with upside. This little lady is going in every single Azorius deck, and is first-pickable. A+

Sunder Shaman {R}{R}{G}{G}
Creature — Giant Shaman
Sunder Shaman can’t be blocked by more than one creature.
Whenever Sunder Shaman deals combat damage to a player, destroy target artifact or enchantment that player controls.

5/5

Another rock-solid addition. A discounted 5/5 with evasion. Unless there’s a similar number of Deathtouch creatures - and it looks like there’s not, I only count 3 with Deathtouch that’s not an activated ability - then this is going to be a force to be reckoned with. A

Now I’d like to give a shout out to some notable commons and uncommons that I think will be hugely relevant in Limited.

Final Payment {W}{B}
Instant
As an additional cost to cast this spell, pay 5 life or sacrifice a creature or enchantment.
Destroy target creature.

Even without Afterlife, this is a fantastic removal spell. Paying 5 life is certainly an acceptable cost to remove some creatures. But if you’re sacking an Afterlife creature, or even a token left behind from an Afterlife creature, you’re well on your way to Value Town. At common, instant and only 2 CMC, this will get a ton of work done.

Applied Biomancy {G}{U}
Instant
Choose one or both —
• Target creature gets +1/+1 until end of turn.
• Return target creature to its owner’s hand.

“One or both”? “ONE OR BOTH”! Holy trip to Magical Christmas Land, Batman! Again, Common, Instant, only 2 CMC. A first-pickable card if ever I’ve seen one, and everything Simic wants to be doing.
Mortify {1}{W}{B}
Instant
Destroy target creature or enchantment.

A solid removal spell, every time it’s been printed.

Growth Spiral {G}{U}
Instant
Draw a card. You may put a land card from your hand onto the battlefield.

Wait, this is an Instant?? Instant speed Explore? Da fuk? What were they thinking? Now, I’m not entirely sure how much impact this will have in Limited, but it’s a nice backup when you’re holding Counter mana open, and they don’t cast any spells.

Mechanic Summary:

Addendum.
https://scryfall.com/search?as=grid&order=name&q=oracle%3Aaddendum

There’s 9 total Addendum cards in the set. Sentinel’s Mark, and Summary Judgment look particularly solid, with the Mark being just a top-rate card no matter when you cast it. I don’t think you’ll be building and “Addendum Deck”, but they work well with what Azorius is trying to do. Watch out for a possible U/W aggressive fliers deck from Azorius. It might be the two-faced  Izzet style guild of this set.

Afterlife
https://scryfall.com/search?as=grid&order=name&q=oracle%3Aafterlife+set%3Arna

There are 10 total Afterlife cards in the set. Orzhov Enforcer, and Imperious Oligarch are both great 2 drops, and will do a ton of work for you early in the game, while you set up your late-game, slow-bleed finish.

Adapt
https://scryfall.com/search?as=grid&order=name&q=oracle%3Aadapt+set%3Arna

There are 13 total Adapt cards in the set. Be careful to not fall into the trap of looking at a high Adapt cost, on a well costed creature and thinking it’s bad. This is where the Vanilla test is important. Also, don’t underestimate the power of a single +1/+1 counter.

Riot
https://scryfall.com/search?as=grid&order=name&q=oracle%3Ariot+set%3Arna

There are 13 total Riot cards in the set. Most of these just look like solid playables, with a few being rather exceptional (I’m looking at you Zhur-Taa Goblin). You might be building a “Riot Deck”, but that’s mostly just going to mean that you’ve packed it full of great cards.

Spectacle
https://scryfall.com/search?as=grid&order=name&q=oracle%3ASpectacle+set%3Arna

There are 10 total Spectacle cards in the set. They range from being really fantastic, like Skewer the Critics, to basically unplayable like Drill Bit. Again, don’t try to build a “Spectacle Deck”. Just take the ones that are good, and do what Rakdos wants to do.

Thanks for taking the time to read my little blog. Hopefully, you’ll find it useful, or at least entertaining. I’m Tweeting now @23rdPlayable. I’m also occasionally streaming on Twitch as 23rdPlayable. And, as always, you can find me on Facebook in the MTG Arena Players group, where I’m a mod.

Have fun, Play on, and Be kind to one another.